The shock release of facts ‘an act of terrorism’ says senator. Fear spreads amid fears that an epidemic of truth could endanger thousands of people whose names cannot be released for security reasons.
The controversial release of damning top secret US government documents by the Wikidleaks website, revealing what American officials are really thinking and saying behind other people’s backs, has provoked a furious reaction from the U.S. Department of Information Management and Worldwide Institutionalized Terrorism (DIMWIT).
Wikidleaks, is a whistleblowers’ website famous the world over for viciously publishing information that people might want to know, despite having been told not to by the DTL(Department of Truth Limitation) and SHUTIT (The Secret Homeland Unit for Tacit Intimidation and Threats).
It was founded in 2005 by Dave Nuisance and Tom Blab, two men both famous for suffering from OCCD, (Obsessive Compulsively Candid Disorder) a mental illness discovered only last weekend by psychiatric researchers at MuchCon, (the MK Ultra Centre for Health Control).
OCCD afflicts people who have a compulsion to publish things the government would rather keep quiet about. It is thought to only be treatable by removal of the sufferer’s reputation or freedom and some experts say that torture has been known to have beneficial effects at least in managing the illness.
Blab and Nuisance and their website hit the headlines two years ago when they published leaked documents provided by a whistleblower employed by the Sinista-Shyster drug corporation.
The documents, mainly internal memos, revealed that laboratories employed by the company to test their new drug Craveit, a cure for OSD (odd sock disorder) had doctored the trials to show that Craveit was 2% less addictive than placebo and had 1% less long-term detrimental side effects.
On the strength of the trial results, Craveit received FDA approval but the leaked documents proved that the results were engineered by using a placebo containing heroin, crack cocaine and anti-freeze.
The FDA stated at the time that they never look too closely at what is in the placebo in any drug trials, in accordance with the Agency’s long-term policy of trusting the drug companies completely and, besides, they were rather busy at the time, their resources stretched to breaking point by their efforts to ban the sale of ginseng after someone in Ohio reported contracting a headache after putting some in his tea.
Sinista-Shyster issued their own statement shortly thereafter, claiming that they did not mention what was in the placebo as they did not think it was important.
Unfortunately, the revelations only came after 30,000 Craveit users developed slightly worrying reactions such as severe weight loss, muscle atrophy, brittle bones, loss of teeth, sweats, cramps, social dysfunction, criminal tendencies, addiction and death.
The company endured the full wrath of government health watchdogs over what was, however, eventually accepted as an innocent mistake any party-political benefactor such as a drugs cartel could, and often did, make. The company was given a year to withdraw Craveit from the market and replace it with another drug, Addictalot, and in a landmark ruling that was expected to put the fear of God in drug companies everywhere, were warned not to do it again.
The whistleblower, Sam Conscience, of Godhelpus, Arizona, rumored to have been distressed beyond endurance by having saved thousands of lives, later committed suicide by running himself over with his own car on the freeway.
The scandal however elevated Wikidleaks to prominence, boosting the site’s traffic to 3,000,000 hits a day almost overnight, with would-be whistleblowers offering to spill the beans on employers ranging from the government, the media, drug makers, arms manufacturers, food manufacturers and banking contacting Blab and Nuisance with documentation at a rate of 2,000 a day.
At the time, such was the furor created by the public’s discovery of an organization willing to practice the constitutional right to free speech, even at great personal risk, a government spokesman went on record as warning that, “This obsession with accurate information could threaten the entire basis of our Democracy and undermine the government’s ability to carry out thought control, opinion management and other public duties. The American people will soon tire of not being kept in the dark and come to realise that ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is a terrible burden, whose weight the government in its unquestionable wisdom has worked hard to remove from their slender shoulders.”
Unfortunately, the hysteria only mildly subsided. It began to appear that the public’s flirtation with knowing what was going on was turning into a full blown love affair. Surveys revealed that the majority of people admitted to having a quiet smirk every time some corporate giant or smarmy politician was caught with their pants down and experienced a warm glow at the thought that they were getting their comeuppance.
Wikidleaks experienced a renewed surge in public interest last year after the attempted murder of George Bush. Secret FBI documents revealed that the motive for the attempt on the ex-President’s life was thought to be revenge and investigators wanted to interview 250,000,000 suspects.
Which brings us to this year: last week Wikidleaks received from an undisclosed source in the White House, five truckloads of documents ranging from “wet paint” signs, luncheon menus and shopping lists to internal communications passed between various departments.
The more embarrassing of these documents began to find their way onto the website and their publication quickly whipped up a storm of embarrassment, widely regarded to have severely damaged the ability of the US State Department to look anybody in the eye, as well as crippling America’s ability to say one thing whilst doing something else entirely – both traditional cornerstones of international diplomacy.
Such is the scale of the disclosures, a release of facts unprecedented in U.S. government history, that government agencies are reeling from the shock of having to deal with a phenomenon with which they were never designed to cope: the leakage into the mainstream of raw, untreated and un-sanitized information to the public.
The cleaning up operation that will follow after the leak is capped is expected to cost the American tax payer billions of dollars each, while fears mount that several political species may become extinct.
The episode is consequently being labelled a PEE (Political Extinction Level Event) and plans are being mobilized to evacuate key Government personnel to fallout shelters in the Seychelles.
One US Senator, the ashen-faced Joe Stalin (Totalitarian) of Debtslavery Wyoming, said: “Seems to me this willful, un-American publication of evidence is cynically designed to bring down civilization as we know it and deliver us all into the hands of the North Korean Empire.
“What would happen to our beloved democracy if government was continually hampered in its service of the ruling Oligarchy by everybody knowing what we were saying and doing in private?
“If we are to defend civilization from barbarism, we must maintain our free hand to lie to, sneer at, betray and torture anyone we see fit, especially the America citizen upon whose apathy we depend.
“In my book, Blab and Nuisance are traitors and it is the duty of every God-fearing American hit-person to hunt the bastards down and blow their friggin’ brains out. My God, give me a friggin’.44 magnum and I’ll happily do the job myself!”
It was pointed out that Senator Stalin’s remarks appeared to constitute incitement to murder, which is illegal except in special circumstances, such as cover-ups or warmongering.
This could theoretically engender a warrant being issued for the Senator’s arrest, were the local forces of law and order less inclined to let important people off the hook.
The Senator’s press secretary, Jane Gaff-Smother, quickly told the media: “The Senator was obviously joking around. You should know by now that while he was saying one thing, he was actually thinking something else entirely. Whatever happened to the renowned American sense of humor?”
Another Senator, Phil Mywallet (Totalitarian) of Slymaneuver, Washington, was more measured in his response to the scandal.
He told this reporter, “Clearly Wikidleaks has overstepped the proverbial line in the quicksand. Blab and Nuisance have demonstrated a reckless disregard for the safety of Americans abroad. From Tehran to Toronto, Beijing to London and other hotbeds of anti-American feeling, no American agent or official will be safe to walk anywhere without being blanked in the street or given funny looks and that’s just by Prime Ministers and other foreign officials. From the ordinary citizens of our allies and other enemies the response is likely to be much worse. We are facing a furious backlash of sarcasm and satirical articles the world over. Everyone from the President on up is going to need counseling and (preferably) drugs to get over this.”
Senator Mywallet went on to say: “Wikidleaks should be treated for what it is: a terrorist organization.”
When asked whether a terrorist organization was not in fact a group that ordered people to shoot people or blow people up so as to intimidate other people into compliance, the Senator was scathing:
“For the love of God, get your definitions straight.” he retorted “You have just described the foreign policy of half the governments on the planet. A terrorist is someone who blows people up without using a plane or a tank to deliver the payload – specifically someone who blows people up when it is not in our interests, otherwise they would be a freedom fighter.”
It was then pointed out that Wikidleaks had not yet actually blown anybody up or, worse, damaged any real estate.
“Not yet,” the Senator replied. “But it is, as everybody knows, just a short step from publishing an annoying website to outright genocide. In any case, what messrs Blab and Nuisance have done is in my book far worse than blowing people up. And they have terrorized a great number of innocent victims, especially in Washington D.C.”
The consensus in Washington, among the politicians and officials named in the leaked papers, is that the fallout would be grave were this epidemic of informing people to spread to other governments.
No government in fact would be safe. Their ability to act freely in executing their primary duty of keeping their populations compliant would be severely compromised.
Indeed, it is believed that the ancient tradition of war might come to an abrupt end, as all wars depend upon the ability to lie to one population about another and thus upset them enough so that they will travel half across the planet in order to kill perfect strangers.
There is now the very real threat hanging over bankers, arms manufacturers and other public servants and the governments that manage nations on their behalf, that in a climate of honesty, the dangerous notion of human kinship might raise its seditious head.
That political heresy would then spoil the divide-and-rule tactic used by the global oligarchy so successfully to engineer the chaos that is so good for business. And by business one understands specifically: banking, arms manufacturing, drugs manufacturing and psychiatry – and of course the makers of artificial limbs.
“Think of the job losses” Senator Stalin remarked, “that all this irresponsible promotion of facts will bring about! Wikidleaks has established in no uncertain terms that it is the avowed enemy of all American workers. If a fall in demand for weapons and drugs were ever to occur, millions would be thrown out of work overnight. It is impossible for anyone, especially those in arms and drugs manufacturing, to think of anything useful we could have people produce instead. These Wikidleaks criminals should be hunted down, rounded up, placed against the wall and shot for crimes against the state. But we should do it democratically, of course. And within the law.”
Concern has been raised in some quarters that calls for the labeling as terrorists and the hunting down and arrest of website owners who did not actually publish anything untruthful, shoot anybody or engage in anything un-American other than revealing the un-American activities of government officials, was itself the reaction of a totalitarian state.
But Sen Stalin, himself chairman of the committee that oversees DIMWIT and a majority shareholder in PWP, Psychokiller Weapons of Peace, the arms manufacturing company founded by his father-in-law, J.Morgan Rockabilly III, the banker and so-called “Father of the Smart Fallout Bomb,” pointed out that such traditional responses to a threat to state security were tried and trusted traditions pioneered by Lenin, Mussolini, Milosevic and other great political thinkers.
Meanwhile, the heat was suddenly on messrs Blab and Nuisance. The company hosting their website, Amoralzone, suddenly withdrew its services, and Wikidleaks was offline for several days while another host was found.
Amoralzone issued a statement saying, “Our courageous decision to terminate our association with the un-American bastards at Wikidleaks was completely unrelated to any pressure brought to bear on us by SHUTIT or indeed any of the three hundred and forty one government agencies that have left messages on our answer machine over the past 24 hours. Their sincere but nevertheless intensely fair threats concerning our as yet untroubled relationship with the Internal Revenue Service – which no right thinking citizen could be expected to jeopardizes for the mere sake of keeping our fellow citizens in the loop – were never a part of the equation and it is entirely coincidental that our decision has come at this time. The truth of the matter is that our servers needed the spare capacity so that we could expand into other markets such as providing instruction manuals for pedophiles and thus honour the consumer’s right to make his (or her) own choices.
Wikidleaks however was back on line very shortly, having found a host based in Skarper, Sweden, and the subsequent release of more top secret government documents unleashed a further maelstrom of embarrassment.
The epidemic of truth had now escalated to a scale never before witnessed since the Sermon on the Mount, becoming a pandemic or even, as some have claimed, a cosmodemic or armageddonodemic on a scale of the Bird Flu outbreak that nearly wiped out three people last year.
The Bird Flu Pandemic, as you will recall, caused the President to panic and flustered drugs companies into accidentally selling three hundred billion dollars worth of dangerous flu vaccines to the general public – which resulted in the DSE (Deadly Side-Effects) epidemic – nicknamed ‘Lemming Flu’ – six months later.
The Wikidleaks affair has been likened by the Department of Hysteria to a catastrophe on a similar scale, except that it did not kill anyone or make anybody unwell apart from causing a few politicians to up their medications.
Blab and Nuisance left the country on Friday and rumors are now circulating that they are hiding in South East England. From their secret hideout in the Hilton Hotel, Park Lane, London, they held a top secret press conference in which they told the world’s press things which, for democratic security reasons, we have been advised not to publish.
The secret press conference came in the wake of more astounding and entirely coincidental developments.
The very same day that they found their new web-host in Sweden, the Swedish government issued a warrant for their arrest, citing allegations that had suddenly and quite unexpectedly been provided to the Swedish police by Interplod – an agency completely unconnected to the government in Washington in any way, shape or form – that the two men were in fact guilty of crimes hitherto considered ed to have been not worth mentioning, namely instigating the ethnic cleansing in the Balkans.
The Swedish police and the police in Great Britain are currently negotiating the extradition of the two men to Sweden where they will face charges. The negotiations are rumored to have been hampered be delays in manufacturing evidence.
In Washington, a spokesperson for the Department of Truth Limitation, issued a statement which was at pains to stress that developments in Sweden had nothing at all to do with events in the USA. The fact that allegations were made against Blab and Nuisance within days of their annoying the U.S. government were “yet another astounding coincidence.”
“However,” he added. “the alleged involvement of these two characters in war crimes just goes to show what kind of reprobates we are dealing with and that the U.S. government is the victim here.”
The allegations against the two whistle-blowers are something of a mystery, particularly as neither man has ever set foot in the Balkans and they were 13 and 16 years of age respectively when the alleged atrocities took place.
Quite what Sweden has to do with it is also unexplained, beyond the fact that, coincidentally, it is the country where Wikidleaks’ new web-host is based. To our knowledge, neither man has ever set foot in Sweden either.
When asked about the confusion surrounding these developments, Sen Stalin said, “That’s what happens when you poke a hornet’s nest. You get stung.”
In case our readers were wondering, here are a few brief samples of the 25,000 leaked comments and remarks that have caused such embarrassment to the State Department and other humanitarian organizations. We have removed many of the names to spare the blushes of specific individuals.
According to the documents, various senior politicians and government officials:
Referred to a Prime Minister of Israel as “a twat.”
Referred to the British armed forces in Afghanistan as “a bunch of loony limey Neanderthals” and the incumbent CO of the British forces as a “supercilious ponce.”
Discussed the possibility of carpet-bombing Paris – the plans were called off after reports were received that the war department did not have enough stockpiles of carpets.
Described the prime minister of a friendly Moslem state as a “turban-wearing, bearded git.”
Made jokes about the Pope wearing trunks in the bath because he does not like to look down on the unemployed.
Flicked ‘v’ signs at a member of the Dutch royal family behind his/her back.
Broke wind at an embassy dinner in Brazil and blamed the ambassador for Peru.
Started a punch-up between the Prime Minister of Olagstan and Crown Prince Brian of Kazovia by telling the former that the latter was sleeping with the former’s wife.
Encouraged Tasmania to declare war on the Australian mainland.
Instructed the U.S. ambassador to Britain to tell the then British Prime Minister Tony Blair, “tell that grinning pinko limey cretin that either he’s with us on the Iraq thing or we instruct the banking cartels to call in all his country’s loans and drain his sad little island of money overnight.”
On innumerable occasions routinely referred to J.Morgan Rockabilly III as “His Majesty the Emperor.”
Called a British Prince, “a chinless, inbred, cretinous turd.”
Supplied cocaine to incumbent President “X”
Got drunk during official visits to Saudi Arabia and were responsible for the mysterious appearance of traffic cones on the heads of statues in the Royal Park
Wore women’s underwear under their tuxedos at a gala dinner hosted by Queen Elizabeth “for a laugh.”
Supplied antidepressants to incumbent President “Y.”
Held satanic rituals in the Whitehouse basement.
Collaborated with aliens from the planet Tharg over plans for the immanent invasion of Earth.
Planted news stories insinuating that the President of Iran is gay.
We think that’s enough embarrassment for now.